Some people think that they cannot have any moments of weakness in life, that they must be strong all the time – they feel pressure from the outside, but quite often the pressure is self-implied and they’re not aware of it. This is exhausting…
It’s quite difficult to win with this, since you’re trying to satisfy others, but in reality they have never told you that they expect what you’re trying to give them. So it seems that you’re chasing your own imagination.
When I was a child, I felt the need to please others (I keep talking about myself, jeeez! 😉 ); appraisal and appreciation were the best motivation. I always wanted to be perfect, wanted to win. I had good notes at school, I won some competitions, but I had occasions in life when I gave more from myself than I could or should have.
This wasn’t what I actually wanted, but what I thought that others expected from me. And it didn’t make me happy in long term.
I always had somebody close to me that I felt responsible for and wanted to protect. I wanted to be the strong one. But at some point something has changed and I couldn’t handled it anymore, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I found out how wonderful it is to let somebody else protect me from time to time, to be fragile and feel really tiny, tiny, tiny… And that it didn’t mean I’m doing something wrong, or that I don’t deserve anything… because I still have a lot to offer. I’m still strong and can provide support for my friends. I’m not worse than I used to be if I show my weakness sometimes. Because nobody is perfect and this is an undeniable fact.
When speaking to a friend recently I realized that I don’t really behave this way anymore – I don’t try to satisfy others, I try to make myself satisfied and I’m the one who’s proud of myself (am I free? 😉 ). I don’t try to do what I think my parents want me to do. It seems that I finally grew up. It took me a while, but I did it! 😉 (so that’s how grown-ups feel! :D). I’m the priority for myself, even though there are people I love, I appreciate and that I could (almost 😉 ) die for. This might sound a bit egocentric, but you can’t just give through all your life and not take anything at all. After a while you’ll realize that you have nothing left, you have nothing else to give (and you still want to do it in some weird reason!) and you’re unhappy.
People come, and they quite often leave – they take a part of you with them. If you don’t take anything from life, what’s there for you? Your satisfaction from giving, satisfaction that will fade away at some point? Your fleeting memories? Photographs? Friends…?
I think that life is about sharing – sharing experiences, knowledge, concerns (they trigger thinking 😉 ), anxieties and sharing moments. About being with people. If you want to share, you also have to learn and gain – that’s in the definition. 😉
I was struggling with this in the past, I put myself in certain roles performed for certain people. I wasn’t myself 100%. It was hard to change and I haven’t really noticed when it has actually happened. I’m me and I’m happy… This is how it’s supposed to be… right? 🙂